The Adventures of Shar Bear

It's late and I feel melancholy. Not sure what it is, but every so often I feel blue. I'm not particularly sad about anything. Just down. I keep asking myself where home is. When I am sad, I always tell myself, "I want to go home." I don't know what it means, but every time I say it, I feel a hole in my stomach and I get tears in my eyes. I've been saying since I was a young teen. "I want to go home." Even when I was home; in my own bed. There is something about life, I feel sometimes, that makes me feel it is all for nothing. Why am I here? Who put me here? What am I supposed to be doing? Why would I need to do it? Is life just to be lived? It is a gift, yes, but is that what it's all about? When we die, does not all we've learned go with us? Our memories are forgotten, we know nothing, feel nothing. No one knows us. They cannot speak to us, see us, feel us. I feel life, to me, can sometimes be overwhelming. One cannot help but ponder their existence. We've all done it. I ask, why does it seem to depress us? Why, when thinking about it, do we feel empty inside? Am I just depressed? Is there something wrong with my brain? What is my brain? Why does it bother me so much. Rather, why do I bother it? My dreams are my reality now. Five years now, I have been dreaming constantly. Multiple dreams every night. I remember them so clearly. Sometimes it's as if they were real. Sometimes I cannot tell the difference between my sleep and being awake. I get deja-voi everyday. Countless times, my thoughts stray and I feel as if I am not in a reality anymore. I cannot concentrate. I cannot think right. My thoughts are so scattered. I cannot remember things, important things, I need done. I lose my temper easily and get frustrated with a breeze. I've tried writing my dreams, but there are too many. One dream can take me hours, days, to write. They are so vivid and detailed, I cannot explain them the way I feel would be comprehended by it's readers. So I wrote the ones that stood out. Again, I have no luck. There are too many. I sought help, people who decipher dreams, but each person can tell me a different meaning. So I stopped, quit writing them. If something was to come of them, I think I would have found something by now. I hate my dreams. I want my days back. I want control of my own mind. I want them to go away. It's like an evil force taking over my slumber. I've prayed about this, people have prayed for me. Nothing helps. I just want my sanity back. Please. . .

I think this Valentine's Day, Dave is actually going to do something!!! I asked him if we were and he said maybe, but he didn't know what I wanted to do and he didn't want to disappoint me. I told him there was no way he could disappoint me if he did SOMETHING. I told him about Red Robins, the one that got put up recently out toward Hartford and he said he would keep that in mind. ^_^ I also asked him, if he was to get flowers, get potted ones. He cried last night. He told me he wanted the love back that we once had and he apologized for ignoring be and not being there for me. He cuddled with me and kissed me all night. It was very romantic. I think, just that, brought back flutters of the love I once had for him. I know now, that it will come back. All we need to do is keep trying. I am so happy now. My husband is back. No more bad dreams about leaving him. No more crying at night, because I didn't get a goodnight kiss. I have a lover now, not a roommate.

A beautiful woman with long dark hair and fair skin walks out of her two story cottage home. She closes the screen door with her back, two glasses of lemonade in her hands, and looks to the swing set he husband just built not one week before. She smiles as the shadow of the trees pull from off her face, like a blanket tugged of your body in the morning. She stops and looks up for a second, closes her eyes, smiling wider, enjoying the warm feel of the summer sun. A child giggles toward her. She snaps open her eyes and walks swiftly to he two-year-old son on the swing. Teasing the child with promises of tickles, she sets the two glasses on the ground. She laughs walking toward him, pulling the ropes back for a high push. The child chuckles more as he awaits the long, but exciting drop.
This woman lead a very good life. She was happy in all aspects of her life. She was healthy, had a wonderful husband, a beautiful son and a home to die for. Little did she know all of this would be snatched from her in a blink of an eye. She would know what it meant to work for what you've got.
It was a humid night. The trees were still, the sky was without clouds and the only sound to be heard was the crickets calling for their companions. Everyone was asleep, tucked in thier beds soundly. Everyone but her.
The woman tossed in her bed. Dreams of such horrible things haunted her thoughts. Her face cinched and her eyes closed tight she let out a whimper. There was a pause, everything was quiet, even the crickets. The man next to her opened his eyes, hearing the discomfort in her voice, he nudged his wife until she opened her 1eyes. "Are you okay, Sharon?" he whispered to her. She nodded to him, "It's just a dream. I'm sorry. Go back to sleep." After a few minutes, the crickets began their music again. She fell back to sleep, this time with more relief in her face.
Later that night she awoke again. She peeked open her eyes and saw that it was still dark. Go back to sleep, she thought to herself. She closed her eyes again, still feeling the after-affect of the wakening, drowsy. Sharon then heard two voices arguing very quietly. Whispering, as if they were trying not to be heard by anyone. A woman raised her voice just enough for Sharon to hear. She opened her eyes once again, sat straight up, all she saw was a blur. She felt dizzy, not a normal dizzy you get from awakening. Her head throbbed and she fell back to the pillow, back to sleep.

"Hey! Wake up! Hey! You there!" called a voice.
Sharon groaned, sitting up, wiping her eyes. "What? I'm up." she shook her head. Just as she opened her eyes, she knew she wasn't somewhere she wanted to be. "Where am I?" she asked.
"You in the Lord Bruns' holding room. Your being charged with four counts of murder on the Lords army. I am going to read your rights now."
A tear formed in her eye as she asked herself what was going on.
"You have the right to remain. . ." the voice faded out.

"Hello? Are you alive?" a more comforting voice this time.
Sharon opened her eyes to a warm face. Her eyes went a blur again, tearing up, she could taste salt and iron in her mouth. She shuddered and held her head letting out more tears and a soft cry.
"You're badly hurt. I can help you." the girl said. "You're not going to get it from anyone else. We're all here for the same thing.
"Yeah." together what sounded like five or more voices.
"There is no way out. The walls around this place are heavily protected. There is another barrier outside the city, you will see it when we are moved to the next holding house. It's a big blue bubble. If you touch it, it sends waves to the cities computer, they call her Dorthy. The only way to stop the waves is to sit still against it and blow heat on it. Use you breath. They will move us later today, after lunch. Don't worry, I'll make sure you. . ."
"What is going on?" Sharon interrupted. "Where am I? I was asleep! My baby! Where is he?" She started to become frantic.
"Calm down. You'll be fine." she comforted.
"Until execution day, that is." A mans voice said grimly.
"Shut up, Boris!" the girl called.
Sharon felt her heart sink to her stomach. She passed out again.

TO BE CONTINUED

I almost got really sick last night. I started to get a fever and I felt like I was gonna vomit. I also have been getting this sore throat thing. It hurts to swallow but not to eat, weird. I took some meds last night and drank a crap load of water. I think Im good now, although I still dont feel like Im at 100%, or even 70%. My throat still hurts and Im congested. My head doesn't feel hot, but I have one of those "Im sick" headaches. I told Dave, which I shouln't have, that I was worried about being pregant. I was only on the pill for a week when we did it and I missed a day. I think Ethan stole a pill off the counter. I swer, I just turned my back to get something to wash it down with and then it was gone! And, I was just over my monthly, so that is supposed to be the time of the month you are most fertile, right!? So, I haven't been strssing about it, it's just in my head. I dunno. I think I will go get a test in a week or so. I just dont know if I should stop my birth control now, or wait. Maybe I should ask my doctor about it. I need to call her and tell her everything is okay with my cramps now. I was getting them real bad when I had the IUD in. ::sigh::

So I got a call this morning from my credit card company. . . There was a couple transactions over $300 at travel agencies and CVS of all places. They said they caught it because they used the wrong expiration date. So they have to send me a paper with all the transactions and I have to sign them. You know, I have to sign a statement saying those transactions werent mine. I feel so violated! You would think this sort of thing wouldn't happen to you. I'm careful, I never give out my numbers, I hide it in a safe place. I don't keep it in my wallet. I only use it on safe sites, like the telephone company, Old Navy, my bank. . . I think it was because my computer isnt safe. Just because a site says its safe, doesnt mean someone cant hack in through your computer!

Your results:
You are Mystique

Mystique 61% Venom 55% Apocalypse 52% Mr. Freeze 52% Dr. Doom 51% Dark Phoenix 50% Two-Face 49% The Joker 46% Catwoman 45% Juggernaut 45% Green Goblin 45% Magneto 41% Lex Luthor 32% Poison Ivy 29% Riddler 29% Kingpin 29%

Sometimes motherly, sometimes a beautiful companion, but most of the time a deceiving vixen.

Click here to take the Super Villain Personality Test

I went out with a friend last night to LaStellas and had some coffee. I kinda just poured my heart out, crying and everything. I've come to the conclusion that Dave and I should see a councilor. I just feel that I have tried every way to try and fix things or talk to him about what I have been feeling and nothing works. We've even tried talking to eachother with his mom and dad as mediators. Even though they aren't biased, it just didn't work. I talk a lot to his mother and so does David. So she knows pretty much what is going. I just think hearing something from his mother doesn't really affect Dave much. You know what I mean? When we did that, I feel he got too comfortable and let things all out. He didnt hold back and just yelled at me. He got very aggressive and very demeaning
My renewal form for our health insurance came in yesterday and I sent that out today, so as soon as I find out if we qualify again, I will be calling a doctor. Also, I am going to take some martial arts classes so I can get some of my agression and anger out with out harming the boys and my husband.
I know he is a good person and he loves me more than anything and I feel the same way. I just dont understand why he is being so irrational and childish. I know he grew up with opposition deffiaset disorder, and I try to keep that in mind. It just turns out that I have to treat him like a child to get anything out of him.
Like the day before yesterday I told him about the chest pains I have been getting and how I feel so overwhelmed and I needed his help. I asked him to just take on one of my responsibilities to himself and he said, "Ok, so I'm doing the laundry from now on." Yesterday I asked him to get started on the laundry and he said ok, but nothing happened. So I asked him about 20 minutes later and he got upset at me. He got huffy and I told him what he had said the day before and he said he never said that! I was like what the fuck Dave! He argued with me and slammed the door shut to the bacement and did the laundry.
That was last night around 4ish; we havent said a word to eachother except I asked him if it was okay with him for me to go to the library for a while and he said yes. I asked him if he would be mad and he said no, but I knew in my head that he was upset. He asked me why I was going to the library, like I had some preconcieved notion to lie to him about it. I told him my mom suggested it and that it would help me get my mind off things, which she did. But its like he thinks this is all on me. Like I'm just being bitchy or moody. He doesnt feel it has anything to do with him. And I resent him for that!

I'm starting to get anxiety attacks again. It feels like when someone tells you someone close to you just died. Your heart sinks and you get flutters in your stomach. Affects breathing and heart rate is all over the place. Sometimes I get dizzy and in the past I have gone to the hospital numerous times for passing out. It sucks a whole lot and I don't want to have to go on medication. I don't like meds. They mess with me in a way I cannot explain.
I don't know if I should try herbs. Perhaps they wont be so harsh. I need to talk to my mom about that. She knows more. I just don't want to go to the doctors. -_-

I awoke with strange dreams floating in my head. Ideas of my eyeballs to start off with. My head hurt from thinking so hard about this dream. I was ina room similar to my old room. There were drawings of anime characters and friends messages carved into the wood paneling. The walls were lavender and the carpet was old and dirty. It was tearing at the corners where orphan cats I had adopted continually scratched at. It was daylight, morning I suppose. I remember feeling groggy. I held my head and looked down to the floor. I felt a cool gush of water come out of my eye and I caught my eye ball in the palm of my hand. I looked in discust, noticing there were no nerves attached. I hesitated for a second, but finally stuck it back in it's socket. As I pushed on my eye it deflated like a balloon that had been blown into too many times. It wrinkled up and lost its color. The iris began to fade away and the pupil was getting smaller and smaller. I just stared at it in confusion. I stuck it back in again and still it wouldn't stay. This time it fell right through the roof of my mouth and onto my tounge. I paniced. I looked around the room, wondering if there was someone to help me or something I could use to keep it in. No good. I had to hold my eye ball up with my tounge. It felt like a rubber balloon, cold and sticky. I held back any thought or feeling of vomiting. I walked to the doctor to see if he would put it back in. I had no luck at the ER where I would have waited four hours. I sat in his office for a few minutes, feeling very akward, as anyone would with one eyeball sunk into thier mouth. The nurse came out from behind the desk and escorted me to the doctor. He was already in the room, sitting on his swivle chair. He told me to have a seat and I handed him my eye. He looked at it rather intencely, squinting at it, turning it side to side. After examining it for a few minutes, he handed it back and told me there was nothing he could do about it.

Since I woke up this morning, I have felt like all the hair pulling, face beating into the desk stress that I have been going through, there is nothing anyone can do about it. I feel I'm at wits end and backed into a corner. Depressed. Everyday, I deal with the same thing. I wake to Devon screaming and Ethan poking his juice cup in my face saying, "Juice! Juice! Juice!" So I get up, grab Devon, tell Ethan to come down stairs, wait for him so I can close the gate (which he can open and it's proven useless ever since Devon fell and got a bloody nose). I make the boys breakfast, pick up David's dirty socks and any dishes that may be there from the night before. Turn the tv on to channel 50, most of the time it's Little Einstiens, yippy. I sit at the desk, log into AIM and Yahoo Instant Messanger, clean the kitchen, clean the rest of the living room. Forget that I have to go pee, go pee, notice the sink is dirty, clean the sink, put dirty clothes from the bathroom in the laundry basket in Dave's closet and notice the room is a mess. Im sure you can see a pattern here. By 11:00 I have most of my cleaning done and by then, Devon is screaming again for a bottle and a nap.
I sit with Ethan for an hour or so and watch tv. Then I get up and do laundry. After all is clean to my satisfaction, I use the computer and check my email, talk to friends, play games etc. David comes home from work, he asks me what's wrong and I shrug and walk away. I'm sure explaining it AGAIN won't help. Im fristrated. The boys go to bed and David plays his games, I watch or use the pc again. We go to sleep.
Every day its like this. Its stressful. No fun. And if I so happen to make a friend and go out, David gets jelous of my time. My time. . . my. . . time. . . Umm, what?

You wanna know what I realized just today?
I dont even feel myself when I am with David most of the time
I feel like, ever since I was pregnant with Ethan, I have been in weird moods all the time
Hormones
I guess
and being like that for so long changed who i really am
So if i act happy or cheerful when I am with him, he looks at me weird
like he expects me to be unhappy and bitchy
It shouldnt do this to people
Im not talking about looks
I am talking about personality
I just get strange looks from him and even other people
Its like I dont know how to act toward certain people
I always ask myself, when around certain people, "Would this offend someone?"
I never know if someone likes me
Thinks I am a good person
Or that I have a good personality
I feel like no one really knows me
I doubt myself
Its not stress
and if it is, he has been stressed for three years
Its like ever since we got married, we never have any fun
We dont joke around anymore
we dont wrestle
we dont have poke fights
or slap each other around
we just dont joke anymore
we dont even go out anymore
going out is going to the grocery store
or to McDonalds
or to his moms
I feel like people think I am a bitch, because I am so quiet all the time
I just never have anything to say
cause I feel like it would be stupid
and when I do say something, no one laughs
no one thinks its funny
or they just dont hear me
I dont feel like I am a memorable person
If I was stuck in a crowd of people, I would be the last one youd notice
Like today, when I was at church
I wanted to talk to the person that was speaking, the guest. he was from france
I wanted to tell him about how I doubt myself
and how I feel I have a lack of faith
not only in God, but in myself
and no matter how long I waited, someone was always talking to him
But I couldnt push my self to just say something to him
I was sitting there watching him talk to other people, wondering if he saw me
Wondering if he would notice I wanted to talk to him
or even if he would wonder about me
I dont know why I get that feeling, but I get it a lot
from anyone
I wonder how people get to be so out-going and noticeable
beer?
>_<
s'not beer
It helps though, lol

I went to the dentist today. Even though I already knew I had them, it was a shock when my doctor said I have seven cavities that need to be filled. My teeth were perfect before I had Ethan and Devon. Don't let anyone ever tell you having a baby won't make you less healthy. It will. Babies are leeches; they suck the life out of you emotionally, physically and sometimes even spiritually. I should be a councilor for teens. I think I have already turned off other friends to having children, or at least contributed to their decisions.
I have been really depressed lately. I think it's because of the two week stretch (and running) cramp-a-thon from this damn IUD. It feels like running cramps, mixed with stomach aches. Add migraines and grogginess, back aches and weakness in the legs and you feel like I'm feeling. I don't even care to call the doctor. That's how tired I am. I need a new body. Maybe I can find one on the black market. Hell, probably on on Ebay.

Oh my freaking goodness, I wanna pull my hair out! The boys wouldn't stop screaming and my friend and her child came over and of course she kept swearing in front of them, di spite me telling her not to and her child does not get along with Ethan. So I had to put Ethan up for time out. She kept pushing him around for a toy so I had to take it away. I'm stressed, I need a break, at least I finally got peace and quiet.

I bought a new pair of glasses! (After four years of waiting!) They are frame less on the bottom and they are like a iridescent lavender color. Really cute!!! They have the same shape as my glasses now. I like the arms on them, they are the really light weight ones and they are really bendy, good for me, cause Devon pulls my glasses off my face all the time and I am always afraid he will break them. Not to mention, whenever Ethan might get a hold of them, he bends the arms backwards and snaps it off. Had to replace the arms on my current glasses like four times already.

I went up to New Hampshire last night to drop my brothers off. On the way up, I took my brothers to Applebee's for lunch. After we were done eating I asked for the bill and it was like 28-29 dollars. I had 25 cash on me, but I borrowed David's card for gas. But when I looked through my purse I couldn't find the card! So I went out to the car to look for it and it wasn't there. So I tried my card, which only has 14 cents on it, and naturally it was denied. So the server told me he would pay the 4 and change and just give me the address so I could mail him the money. O_O I was so surprised I wasn't washing dishes the rest of the night!
On the way back I found a nice man again. It was very late, Ethan was asleep and I had been driving all day. It wasn't a pay at the pump thing, not for cash anyway and all I had was cash I got from my Dad. I couldn't use my card, obviously. I hadn't even counted the money I was given, I just took $10 out of it so I could send it up to the server from Applebee's. A man in a grey truck pulled in and he was walking toward the store and I asked him if he would put the money on pump 6. He gladly did, although I was afraid he would take some, to be honest. I thanked him, pumped my gas and prayed to God I would make it home without running out of gas or falling asleep.

I've had a long day. Woke up around 6am with the boys. Cleaned the house, like every morning. I pick up the same crap everyday. Two dirty socks, a cup or two and most of the time a plate with crumbs or dry ketchup on it. I vacuum, do the dishes, blah blah blah. Got myself and Ethan ready for church. Devon was cranky so he stayed home. Went grocery shopping after church. He was whining the whole time. He opened a bottle of body wash and squirted it all over him, the handle on the cart and the floor. I secretly put that one back and got a different one. He pulled the leaves off the bonsai tree I was going to buy for David. On top of that, I bought next to nothing and spent $100. Went out to a movie with my buddy Brian. Borat: four words REALLY NASTY HAIRY BUTT. Funny though. it was after 8 when I got home. Ethan, still awake. Ate food, put him to bed. Devon woke up. Changed him, got a bottle and shut the door. The boys are still awake. It is now 10:15 in the PM. They are just talking to each other, loudly. now that I'm done making caterpillars out of pipe cleaners, I think I am going to go take a hot bath and go to sleep. I don't know if I want to take a bath though, I don't really feel like it. But I know if I don't take one now, I wont be able to relax enough to take one tomorrow. Maybe I will just watch tv and fall asleep on the couch.

Devon got really sick last night. For some reason he vomited all over his bed. The whole right side of his mattress was soaked and covered in chunks. So I took him downstairs and washed him off and gave him tylenol and water. He seemed to be okay after rocking him for a little while. He was getting sleepy so I stood up to put him back in bed and he started gagging. I couldn't get him to the kitchen floor on time so I just stood there, half out of amazement and half disgust. He had puked more than I have ever seen a child puke. The whole front of my shirt was covered in vomit. It was in my hair, on my glasses and all over the floor. O_O I cleaned him up again, went upstairs and cleaned his bed off. I put new sheets on it, laid him down and he passed right out. He is fine now. I don't have a clue as to why he got so sick. Poor kid.

I just transplanted a cactus today. Not recommended to people with sensitive skin. But Victory is Mine! I conquered the cactus! I can came out with no scratch, bruise or prick! I am so good. Oh, no, it wasn't a dinky cactus like you might be thinking. This isn't your ordinary house cacti. This sucker was over two feet tall! OK, maybe not two feet, but it's still big. Believe it! It's a pretty cacti. It's my friend. I should give it a name.

David, my husband, might be going on unemployment again. The COB on the boat he wanted didn't want them on, so he denied the work, but the COB went on vacation and an acting COB stood in for him. David's boss asked the acting COB if they needed any work and he told him yes. So he took the job. Dave started back to work Tuesday and yesterday he told me he might be laid off again, because the real COB came back and asked him what he was doing on his boat. David's boss doesn't know if he is going to let him finish the work or not, so it's getting really stressful. On top of that the whole job out in Washington is taking so long, because his boss needs to hire three new people in his and another person's place, but he can't do that until they have work for sure and the funds to hire them. So all because his boss can't get the job on the boat they're on right now is why we aren't out in Washington right now. I'm so stressed!

I just got a notice of DENIAL from Care 4 Kids, the daycare assistance. Apparently I exceed the program limit by $306.05 a month. Even though David was laid off for a part of that time, I still wont qualify, because in order for a family to be eligible, both parents have to be working. So me going to work was pointless. We really didn't make any money, just like I told David. I am so depressed right now, I think I am going to cry